A million thoughts and seven heartbeats
by Balboanne
Summary: Kate Beckett stood in a small toilet booth at the precinct. She was torn between shock and surprise, happiness and fear. Was that really happening? Way post Always, second chapter added
1. Chapter 1

**Castle belongs to his rightful owners  
**

* * *

_**Ba-da**_

Kate Beckett stood in a small toilet booth at the precinct. She was torn between shock and surprise, happiness and fear. Was that really happening? She didn't know; it all seemed like a big blur and she felt her legs shake and her knees go weak as the dizziness reached her lower extremities so she had to sit down on the toilet lid.

_**Ba-da**_

It couldn't be real, she thought, her heart pounding heavily in her chest. It seemed like this was _it_, the _Now_ she had searched for such a long time, the connection between the past and the future, the undeniable life defining _Now_ that made her feel herself top to bottom, the rush of life running, no, pumping through her entire body with irresistible force.

_**Ba-da**_

It was some of those things you've only heard about from other people, the one life changing event, the turning point that makes you really and truly realize who you are, where you stand in life, the moment when you just _know_, without question or doubt, without any judgement.

_**Ba-da**_

Kate felt as if all the emotions one could possibly feel were running through her all at once totally overcoming her physical existence. There was this sudden meaning to everything, the indefinable and yet so seizeable truth. A great sensation that tickled every muscle, every nerve and sent shivers down her spine, creating goose pimples on her skin. It was hot and cold, pleasant and disturbing all the same.

_**Ba-da**_

She wanted to cry and to smile, to scream and to remain silent; she wanted to do everything to suck in every oxygen atom possible and to deepen the impulse she was feeling right now; to just remain in this position, in this awakening of her senses. Windy suspiration or the moment you want to linger on, because it is so fair, yeah, William and Johann got that right, and she would never have imagined feeling it herself.

_**Ba-da **_

It took her a million thoughts and seven heartbeats to realize what she wanted to do, what she had to do to release all the emotion and embrace the whole damn world with it. Dropping the small plastic stick in her hand she had grabbed fiercely the whole time she knew that there was only this one thing that was able to gather it all … and to make it real once and for all. It had worked for thousands of years since the dawn of mankind; it was so simple and still so portentous.

**_Ba-da_**

* * *

_My dear love,_

_I'm quite shaking at the moment because I want to tell you so much and still just one thing. _

_It's probably risky to write a writer, I know, but I have to gain my thoughts through words, because I'm still too overwhelmed to stand in front of you and to look into your beautiful eyes. _

_I've been through a lot in my entire life and it took me thirty-two years to notice that I've never lived at all. _

_I never breathed properly, I never saw properly, I never listened properly, I never felt properly. _

_All this time I lived in the past, felt insecure, angry but I thought I did my best. I was good at my job, helped a lot of people with it, I had so many ups and downs. I thought that was living, but no, it was shallow, it was pretending._

_Then there were you, you brought down my wall and shielded me from my life seizing past. You made me discover a perspective for the future, something I never thought of being possible._

_For the first time in my life I felt hope and I never would have thought that this was not all, that there was still something to come, the piece between future and past, the Here and Now._

_Today I woke up and it all made sense; I discovered what's right here in front of me._

_I love you so much, Rick, you made me who I am. Words just can not express what you mean to me. I want to inhale everything about you, your scent, your smile, your courage, your big heart, YOU and to embrace it with my love. _

_I'm feeling so privileged that you found me and that you chose me to share your life with. You gave me so much, you saved my life, you are my home Castle and I can only hope to be able to give at least something back to you. _

_And still, you managed to give more than I can possibly return…you made me feel the life. _

_I am here, Castle. Right now and right here, where I always was supposed to be. This is my spot; I know that now._

_You turned my life into an undeniable truth and I thank you for that with all my heart and all the love I can give. _

_I am yours, Castle. Always. _

_Kate_

* * *

Castle dropped the letter he had found on his desk earlier and was paralyzed. The lines he had just read couldn't be real. Kate had made him the luckiest man in the world and he always had thought that he just didn't deserve even more of her than he already was blessed with. He couldn't breathe; his heart was pounding way too fast. Switching from the letter that had fallen to the floor to the small photo in his hand he still had to pinch himself to believe it. He had to read the words that were written on its back again and again and he still felt like he was dreaming an impossible dream.

"_I thought about a million ways to show you my love but this is it._

_This is the start of something beautiful"_

Tears filled his eyes as he turned the photo around. And there it was. The _Now_, the truth.

Castle looked at their yet unborn child.


	2. Chapter 2

_**First of all, thanks for all the favs in regard to the first chapter. It was planned to be one-shot, but you encouraged me to write a second chapter, so I gave it a try **  
_

_**Castle is not mine  
**_

* * *

_The stereo was playing a smooth song as she entered the apartment. The room was dimly lit and she smelled a delicious meal being prepared in the kitchen. A smile crossed her face; this whole thing looked and felt just right. It was home. She glanced around nervously for he surely had already read her little love letter. How had he possibly reacted? Heart pounding heavily in her chest she once again nearly fainted of all the emotions running through her all at once, because there he was. He stood on the last step of his staircase. She wanted to hug him so badly and he wanted that too, but some invisible line dared them so they held their fire. It still felt surreally so they just looked each other in the eyes and held their gaze a while silently standing on opposite ends of the room. Slowly she made her way up to him. She could see that he cared, that there was so much love in his eyes but that he was unsure what to do next. It was so damn sweet; she could feel the empathy crashing on her as she slowly broke the tension approaching him. She felt she had to giggle like a schoolgirl having a crush on a boy. _

_Damn, had the hormones already taken over?_

_His beautiful blue eyes were shining through the dark room like a guiding light she had to follow into safety. Yeah, that definitely matched it, she thought, for he always had been her anchor, her motivation, and the pulse that kept her heart beating. _

_The stereo now played Norah Jones' "Turn me on". She stepped closer until she had reached him completely and gently wrapped her arms around his neck still holding their stare. She ran her hand through his hair ____lightly _ brushing it with her fingertips and smiled warmly. He still looked a bit dumbfounded, just stunned by her whole presence. The song slowly reached their bodies and helped them to finally release the feelings that had been and still were paralyzing them, for they began to move in a steady pace; completely dancing as one and complementing the other. He had placed his hands on her waist feeling her breathtaking body between them. They now were forehead to forehead so they noses touched every now and then. This delicious hypnotic vertigo lasted for a while, neither of them speaking a word but looking at each other still not able to comprehend the reality's beautiful truth. She finally took one of his hands into hers and placed it on her stomach. 

_And suddenly they both felt it; the magic; the warmth rushing through them, filling up their insides, making their hearts beat even faster. It was a moment made for eternity, because this warmth –as they both realised without any doubt - this warmth was love. It electrified them, it overwhelmed them, it drew them even closer, so they breathed nothing but each other inhaling and tasting every little thing possible. _

_She of course smelled like cherries, he noticed, but he already knew that. He had memorized it in every detail a long time ago. She smelled so unbelievably good!_

"_Is this really happening?" He finally managed to get out but she just nodded barely noticeable, squeezed his hand only firmer and placed her head onto his broad and simply inviting chest. Resting there to savour the moment she could feel his heart pounding underneath. _

_They barely even listened to the song playing but to their own heartbeats feeling all the energy the new life they had created provided. He kissed her hair before he pushed her away a little bit so he could look at her properly. _

_Their dancing had felt like hours as he finally broke the silence. _

"_Wow Nikki, you do realise that you've made me the luckiest man alive, don't you?"_

"_Well I guess you've made yourself quite memorable…"_

"_Some might say I've left quite a mark on you" Rook said mischievously grinning as he caressed her stomach._

"_Just shut up, will you?" she smiled kissing him softly but he didn't comply with her order._

"_Live with me Nikki…" _

_Nikki was stunned and completely speechless. This man had just stripped his soul in front of her and had laid his complete faith in her hands. _

* * *

Kate closed the file attached to the email she had received from Castle earlier. It said:

"_You always want to read the manuscript, so here it is. The end isn't quite elaborated yet, so maybe you as loyal, true and slightly deranged Castlefreak have some suggestions for your favourite author of all time?_

_PS: My publisher will kill me for that. So you owe me one (I'll only accept carnal grants…;))_"

A smile all over her face she turned off her computer and got ready to go home.

"Yo Beckett, what's up? With your smile they can illuminate the whole damn Broadway without using any electricity…You look so happy."

"I am Xavi, today is the first day of the rest of my life, isn't it great?"

And then she simply kissed him on the cheek leaving him rather confused. Oh, I'm definitely in hormone control, she thought as she stepped into the elevator.

"What was that about?" Ryan asked from the other end of the room.

"Dunno…she's so happy…maybe Castle made her pregnant…"

They looked at each other thinking about it for a second but then they both shook their heads.

"Nooooo…."

* * *

Kate stepped into the apartment and just like in the manuscript it was dimly lit. Only a few candles were shedding some light. Castle approached her stepping out of the shadow.

"What took you so long?"

"I had to read your manuscript first…It was so beautiful…"

"Yeah, I was kinda nervous about it, I'm not used to the romantic stuff you know…"

"You're doing fine, and you know that!"

She kissed him tenderly.

"Obviously, or else you wouldn't be lying in my arms right now, crazy about me…"

Castle grinned mischievously.

She poked him into his side and he twitched.

"Don't flatter yourself, Castle. But tell me one thing: What took _you_ so long? I nearly died today waiting to hear from you…"

"I don't know, I think my muse inspired me so I had to write the words down as long as they were in my head. I still don't know if it's a dream or if it's really happening…so I guess if it's just a dream I had to set it a monument, so I'll never forget."

"You don't have to, Castle, it's real. And it will grow…"

She took his hand in hers and placed them on her stomach. Like in the book they both were overwhelmed by the sudden warmth crashing on them. For a moment they just embraced each other and savoured the moment in silence.

"Damn, you _are_ good with words…" Kate whispered "It just feels like in your book…"

"Sorta comes with the job, I guess. And it always works…" Castle grinned in a very villain-like way.

"It's just your scam? I feel so…cheap…" Kate pouted and Castle had to control himself to not kiss her gorgeous lips instantly and never let them go.

"You know what? You didn't want me in the first place… But you screwed it up because this ride-along is permanent. No pun intended. I so told you it would be great…"

Castle's eyes were glowing in the dark.

"And I told you that you have no idea…"

She bit on her lower lip, because she knew that would drive him crazy as hell and bent over so she could whisper in his ear with her best bedroom voice.

"Have you ever considered the possibility that you thinking that is part of the game…? I mean look at you, you had to fantasize about me in your books, although there are no words to describe what I can do to you in reality. I can and I did beat your best-sellers, writer-boy, your wildest dreams, your hottest fantasies…just to see you speechless like that and it was so worth it…"

Meanwhile she slowly had unbuttoned his shirt, taking her time with each button.

Castle was already breathing heavily.

"Your ga-me? Now I feel cheap…Kate, what are you…?"

Kate chuckled and ran her index finger down his now fully exposed naked chest.

"I'm going to show you…"

Castle couldn't hold on any longer, her touch felt so unbelievably good and the burning desire in her eyes fired up his insides.

"You're impossible Kate Beckett…" he groaned as he pulled her close.

They began to kiss each other passionately, tongues fighting for dominance, hands all over each other. Kate's hormones were already driving her mad so she moaned at his simple touch. The tension became unbearable as the heat rose between them to the point of no return. The thought of them having a baby only fuelled the fire and they both wanted to be as close as possible.

"I wanna feel you, Kate…" Castle whispered, gently lifting her on his arms to carry her to the bedroom.

"Castle…? " It was barely a whisper because she already panted heavily.

"Yes?"

"She should say "yes", Castle, Nikki would definitely do that."

Kate smiled broadly and caused Castle to do the same.

_After all they've been through together the writer and his muse finally had created a new chapter; a new story, a beginning, a LIFE._

* * *

**Thanks for reading, please tell me if it's a good sequel to the first chapter, because I'm not entirely confindent about it.**_  
_


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